Doublewide decor and other places you don't want to be... (SFW)

My Daddy sent me this picture :)

Does something stink in here?  Oh, sorry, it's me...ayeee.  Yes, after spending four plus hours in the VeeDub, I'm back from Oklahoma.  Did you know there are folks living down there without wifi?  I was chained by a yellow cable in a little, back room all alone...  Anyway, nothing reminds me of Oklahoma more than bad decor.  It's everywhere!  It's the Oklahoma equivalent of "that local mediocre sports team that you must be a fan of cause they're local...here, have a lamp!"  Yes, I'm saying, Native Inspired schlock fills the NFL schlock-void.  Not to mention, it denigrates those who were forced to live there only to have most of  that land taken, too.  The land-theft, I mean Land-run is  re-ennacted every to rub it in to celebrate the state's shameful proud history .  Okay, done ranting, back to decor?

So, you know you're at the right trailer when you see this:

From my favorite decor site, collections.com

Wouldn't this look great above the door?

From the Hamilton collection (yes, the same people who brought you The Unicorn DreamCatcher)

 Look Ma! It's a Thomas Kinkade!

Another Treasure from the Hamilton Collection, yes you should look at it up close! It's fabulous!

This reminds me of a story.  A friend of mine started dating  a new guy.  She said, "You really like him.  He collects art!"  Of course, the guy turned out be a middle-age, balding, overweight, divorced, retail manager.  Okay, he was nice.  However, when I asked him about his much touted art collection, it turned out he collected Thomas Kinkade - Painter of light.  You can imagine how fun it was for my husband to watch me squirm and discuss "The Art of Thomas Kinkade" with a straight face.  No, my friend and the guy didn't work out.  Amazingly, she decided he was "a loser" completely on her own and without taking his "art collection" into consideration.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he has this thing on a side table near his floral couch.

Bratz, now in winged stereotypes!

The Hamilton Collection never disappoints!  

This is from Jasmine Becket-Griffith's Spirit Maidens Figurine Collection. Spirit Maiden? Really? It reminds me of those pixies my mother collected in the seventies, only racist.

You know that old white guy with the bone-choker you see at Walmart?

You think he has one of these on his wall?

From, guess where?  The Hamilton Collection, whose slogan is "Collectables Inspired By You!"  Yes, you are to blame for this!  Can you stop inspiring already?

ZOMG! What time is it?

From Collections etc

I love the description on this one, "Table clock features a Native American style sculpted base with a maiden princess and her wolf spirit guide looking heavenward with the hope of being showered with good fortune from the dreamcatcher above. Requires 1 "AA" battery (not included). Crafted of plastic and resin" 

WTF?

Yes, from Collections Etc

I don't even have to make fun of it.  Read the decsription, "Birds will love to pow-wow in the confines of this cozy Native American style teepee birdhouse. It has a perch outside where two birds are busy and an opening for birds to enter. Charms dangle from its bottom. Hanging hook and cleanout door in the base."

Yep, you read that right, it's a bird Pow-wow.  Never mind the weirdness of feather headdresses on birds, that's right up there with chickens eating McNuggets, but why is the cradle-board hanging upside down? 

5 Signs your new FB friend is a pretendian

They use a Kirby Sattler painting as their profile picture.

Kirby Sattler "See through Fog"

Now, I'm not saying Kirby Sattler is a bad artist or anything. (please don't sue me)  Yes, I know, this is the "Awful" blog.  He is a white artist who is a bit stuck in the romantic past, but honesty, compared most of the "Native Inspired" artwork out there, this is benign. 


They say things like, 'The Spirits belong to everybody" and post videos like this.

Wow, don't you just feel enlightened now?
Maybe you should try doing few yoga poses while watching to get the full effect.
I'm in "corpse pose" right now!
I will probably be featuring a lot of that "art" soon.  I really don't get the whole "Native Spirituality" youtube video thing, but then again, I don't understand why church services are on television, either.

They regularly tag you in photos like this one:

www.ubercomments.com

And this is supposed to be a compliment.

They own a headdress like this:

Feather and Stuff

Or this:

Feather and Stuff

Or this:

Yup, still Feathers and Stuff

Wow, those are some glazed looking hipsters...Oh, wait, no, those are mannequins.  My mistake.

Their weekend Pow-wow videos look something like this:

I've been watching this over and over; I'm more confused each time.

What the hell are they doing?

This is a pow-wow in Zuromin, Poland of all places.  

The drum group, Dead Dog Singers, are from the Czech Republic.  

Can somebody please tell me why?

Coyote "Inspirations"

Coyote the Trickster, we've all heard the stories about how he tricks Iktomi out of his roasted prairie dogs or how he stole fire or his hundreds of other stories.  (Wait, why is there no awful spider art? Believe me, I've been looking.)


Anyway, here are some "Awful" ways to express your connectedness to the coyote.  Disclaimer:  The blog author is not responsible for any wackiness that may occur in your life for embracing coyotes.


Getting in touch your inner Coyote...Or preparing for Coachella?

deviant art

This woman says, "I can create headdresses such as this from just about any tanned fur you hand me. Bobcat, wolf, mountain lion, bear, African black-backed jackal....you name it, I'll do it (so long as it's legal, of course!)."

Wait, I found this trolling on Etsy... Yes, it is the same woman and still very creepy.

.

from etsy

Her listing claims this is "Perfect for Halloween, religous purposes, Burning Man, bonfire parties, Pow-Wows, costume parties, re-enactors, cosplayers, or anyone who wants to feel more in touch with their inner animal."   The misspellings are hers.

Um...What?  I must have missed the Roadkill Pow-wow.  Do they hold that off of the Will Rogers Turnpike?

But is it as bad as this?

From ebay, at $104 with 4 hours to go...

Oh but he looks so happy!  You know, with his severed head hanging on the wall.  Yup, happy.
Somebody wants this in their house, if it's any of you, please do me a favor and never invite me over.

Not Dooney & Burke...

from etsy, where else?

Ever think, "I could use a handbag that can elegantly sheath my 6-8 inch knife.  Those Burlington Coat Factory sales just get really rough sometimes, you never know when you might have to gut someone for taking the last pair of size 8 1/2 tiger print horse-hair pumps."  The dead coyote in this case would just be a warning to others.


Sometimes, I can't decide if something is scary, awful, awesome or all three.

deviant art user "I am Art slave"

When I see this, all I can think about is devouring Frank the Bunny.

Somebody read Generation T:

From Etsy.com

I was wondering what I'd wear if I found a Hot Tub Time Machine in Oklahoma City.

Not Felipe Rose:

 from Wood Co.

The website says, "This artifact is a wild and exceptional display piece! This impressive wall mount comes from Native American artists Super Moon and Black Wolf. It is part of a limited edition, number 20 of 500, and features a hand painted lost wax image of an American Indian Warrior."  
Now, I'm not going to claim know every Indigenous artisan out there, but Super Moon?  It doesn't say what tribe(s) the artisans belong to, either, which always strikes me as odd, especially when there's that whole Indian Arts and Crafts Act of 1990.
(please correct me if I'm wrong about this)
However, the site does go on to explain,"Native Americans have always felt a special connection to nature. The belief that all things have a spirit is an integral part of their religions. The Zuni believe that animals are more like the Zuni deities than is man. They also believe that animals have more power than man and that these powers, both practical and spiritual, reside in their totems."
Um, what do the Zuni have to do with this exactly? Hey, but he has horse hair, bison mane and coyote fur and for the low, low price of $361.95 plus shipping he can be yours!  I recommend hanging him in the guest room.




 

How to go "Awful" Pretendian Style (NSFW)

Sadly, Felipe Rose is not a pretendian.  We just wish he was.

 Pretendian  noun
Someone who appropriates generic, stereo-typical Native American themes in an attempt to appear more exotic, earthy, ironic, rebellious and possibly even whorish, but in an easily digestible "one with nature" kind of  way.  Pretendians have no grasp on o current or past Native American issues.  They are oblivious that their actions and wardrobe are offensive, because, of course, that would require acknowledging other people have thoughts and feelings.

But we can all get in on the fun, right?

Every good Pretendian needs a fabulous headdress:

Peaches Geldorf (http://tinyurl.com/45f46d9)

 Is that a feather duster she's wearing?

Or maybe just a few feathers will do...

Etsy user dekadence

 Wow, plastic warrior, feathers from the craft aisle at Walmart, a recipe to offend every Indigenous person you meet. How ironic is that?

And for days you fear you may be mistaken for a cat toy: ( Don't worry, it happens to real Natives all the time.  It's true, more Native Americans die each year from cats attacks than spontaneous combustion and blimp accidents combined!)

www.stylecaster.com

Added bonus, headbands will hold your wig on! (watch REEL INJUN for more info)  In case you weren't born with stick straight black hair, that you know, all Indians have.

But then again, nothing says "too cool worry about offending people" like Dead Animal on the head:

Charlotte Kemp Muhl, who has some, you know, mystic aversion to bras.

Don't forget the jewelry:

Etsy user feathercreations (she likes being topless, apparently. I almost had a SFW post, too)

 Oh Gawd...

etsy user MountainGirlClothing

Lee Bogle, now in hoodie form, accompanied by Guatemalan back-strap loomed trim because, you know, all Indigenous stuff goes together.

Don't forget your leather outfit!

etsy user dleather, who isn't posing as N.A. artisan. She does custom leather work.  She also has fringed leather corsets, loin-cloths, etc, for all your role-playing needs.

No, I didn't forget the guys.

more from dleather

  Wow, I suddenly feel inadequate...

The end result should offend about everyone or you're doing it wrong!

Dancing with the stars.  Found at listicles.

Blog Goddess Note: I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting on this blog. You all Rock!  

I'm listening to what you have to say, too! See the new NSFW tags?  You did that, okay a Newspaperrock reader clued me in on that, but anyway, it's there.  I love you all too much to get you fired.

When the feathers are just too hip for you... (NSFW)

They send in a scrawny white chick.

The worst part is that I found it on Zippercut blog.  (Yes, those are tee-pee decor suggestions. Ugh, I feel sick.  Are yurts and geodesic-domes not romantically earthy enough?) Okay, in their defense, they did remove this picture, but not before a commenter could rave on how much they LOVE it.  Yes, some hipster loves this painting!  The entire site is full of Native Appropriations-worthy fodder.

Speaking of Native Appropriations, Adrienne did a great job explaining  the headdress issue, if you had any questions as to why naked white women shouldn't be running around in them please read: "But, why can't I wear a hipster headdress?"

Honestly, I don't know what's going on artistically in this photo, rather than "Hey let's do something ironic!"  You'd think they'd at least spring for the deluxe, super-duper authentic headdress.

To fill any Non-Natives in on the problem here, let me explain: Natives don't  like to mix the sacred with the profane.  Naked women should not pose with feathers, drums, bone chokers, or any type of regalia.  Navajo rugs and Pendleton blankets are questionable, too.  Give them the same regard as your great grandmother's hand-stitched quilt.

Let's think about that quilt for a second.

Picture it in your mind's eye and  feel all the warm, fuzzy emotions associated with it.

Now, picture the woman above laying spread-eagle on it.

Got that feeling?

Good, my work here is done. CB