Those Mystical Unicorns (NSFW)

According to www.legendsofamerica.com (which I'm sure is the definitive resource) a Unicorn "totem" or power animal represents purity, innocence, dreamer, personal power and gentleness.

How do you know if the unicorn is your personal "power animal"?  

Are unicorns are strangely attracted to you?  Do they seem to be following you around?  Do they show up in your yard a lot, especially when it's not unicorn season?

If you said, "Yes!" to these questions, there's a good chance that the Unicorn is your "power animal"! 

You're in luck, too, because I've scoured the interwebs to find the most authentic Native American Unicorns for you!

For only $39.99, all your dreams can be filled with glitter!

From the Hamilton Collection (you have to click the link, it's beyond sparkle!)

What's a glitter dream without some one-horned cuddles?

an old etsy listing, but no longer available, sorry!

Now how much would you pay?

Singing Tree Flutes

For the sweet sounds of a mystic Unicorn flute! 

Yeah, it's plain, white and plaster...

www.unicorncollector.com

Yeah, it said it was Native.  It has all the that random paint on it, too.  Do Unicorns come in "Wannabe"?
I'm sure it's useful if you ever want to re-enact the ending of Misery just with more Unicorn.

Just so everyone knows you belong to the Unicorn...

http://gourdblossomjewelry.com

It's made from gourd, so it's, you know, bio-degradable! Yay!

Yeah, I know it's a Pegasus. (Duh, I'm a girl.)

Buh, what if your unicorn gets lonely?  Haven't you always dreamed of having a pegacorn, anyway?  Or is it unisuss? 

And when  there are times you want to be one with the mystic Unicorn...

Well, there you go!

Blog goddess note: It's been rough week.  So much to protest this week! I thought we could all unwind with some pure silliness. As always, I <3 you all! Cbear out.

Grandmother Frauds featuring a few words by Ben Carnes (SFW)

Guess who's back and giving workshops in Sedona next month?

Yes, she did just invite you to gather around her cedar womb.  Seriously, I can't make this sh*t up.  Doesn't she look like Mardi Gras threw up on a taxidermist?

All jokes aside, this Grandmother Drum White Eagle Woman charges $795 for 5-day workshops teaching things she can't even begin to understand.  She claims to be Seneca, she is not. Check her schedule. 

Here's some of the lovely, hand-painted, leather Hand-drums you can buy on Grandmother Creepy Owl's website (I'm sure the proceeds go to her legal defense fund): 

Shalom, Wakinyan!

Angel wings? Blond, furry, lady parts? Sorry I don't what this is.  I  must have skipped "Modern Witchcraft" class that day.

Pink Unicorn with a goatee!  Squeee! You have no idea how badly I want this! Its so sparkly!

And then there's this one, Kiesha Crowther aka Little Grandmother:

What's up with the microphone that resembles a giant mole?  Does anybody else find it weird she has her own flag behind her?  Wait, did she just say "crystal skull?"  I once had relative with dementia who thought all the movies she saw in her life had actually happened to her, too.

She really likes crystals and says "These crystals, they carry such a huge love vibration..."

Well, if all she needed was "love vibration", I could recommend a few shops on ebay...

And after watching that video, aren't you kind of wondering what's in that pipe?   btw- I've been told girls are not even supposed to touch the pipe, let alone smoke it.

Nice Minnetonkas.  You'd think at her prices, $295 a person for weekend conference, she could afford some real moccasins.  You can find more crazy on her website.  She claims to be the "Shaman" for the Salish and Sioux tribes.  Sioux tribes?  As in all of them?  Obviously, that would never happen since "Shamans" are from Siberia.

Here's a little note of explanation for my Non-Native friends:  If for some reason you find yourself attracted to  Native American religious practices, please stop and consider why that is.  There are plenty of Pagan and Neo-Pagan paths you can follow.  Pagans throw great parties.  You can revere the Earth without disrespecting Indigenous people.  If you still feel drawn to Native beliefs don't expect to be welcomed.  Let me clue you in a small detail, religions that don't teach of eternal damnation have no motivation to share with you.  Besides that, Native Religious practices were illegal in this country until 1978.  People have suffered to keep that hand hold on their culture.  Please, don't act entitled to it.

I asked my friend, Choctaw Activist and writer, Ben Carnes for his thoughts on the subject.  Here's what he had to say:

"There are no quick fixes to the problems they encounter in their daily lives until they are willing to change certain aspects of their life. Our religion or spirituality isn't really either, it is a way of life that doesn't come modular in any shape or form.
 

Once someone has mixed and matched for their own agenda's, then it loses its meaning and significance as was originally intended. Which is one of the reasons, you will never find it on the marketplace as a seminar, workshop or even a book. If they pay for a weekend retreat, then it just becomes the beginning of a scam to boost someone's status or pocketbook, or even to take sexual advantage of another.
 

The people who have complained that we don't share have not been listening to us, because they don't want to hear what it is we have been saying, so until they slow down and stop to listen, they will never proceed any further and there are no short-cuts!
 

When Native people come out and complain or protest about the actions of frauds like Keisha Crowther or myths about the Rainbow Warrior Prophecy, instead of marginalizing Native people, maybe stop and consider there is merit to their arguments. Otherwise, they will have joined the ranks of exploiters who will bring harm to others."

I'd like to thank Ben for sharing his words and my readers for sticking with me.  I <3 you all.

Real Native Art featuring Monty Singer (SFW & not awful)

The Long Walk by Monty Singer

Navajo artist, Monty Singer has all of the talent and none of the ego.  Monty has never had any formal art training. He learned his craft by watching his father, artist Ed Singer. Monty told Navajo Nation Fair, “I was inspired mostly while growing up and watching my father paint and draw. As a kid I used to sit and watch him work on these giant oil paintings.”  Stylistically, his Father's influence can not be denied.

Navajo Woman in Imitation Leopard by Ed Singer

When Monty was a teenager, he walked away from art and didn't come back to it for fifteen years. During that period of artistic void, he spent four years in the Marines and worked over thirty jobs. At the age of 31, he finally accepted his role as an artist. “After some time in the Marine Corps and drifting around from job to job, mostly getting fired, I came to realize making art is all I’m really qualified to do,” Monty said in the Navajo Nation Fair interview.

 Monty treats his painting like a job, often spending eight or more hours a day in his tiny studio, only stopping for meal breaks.  The results of his dedication are amazing. Monty Singer's work reflects a richness and depth that can not be duplicated. His color usage borders on Fauvism or Divisionist, but somehow, his subjects still glow with realism. 

Even when those subjects make uncomfortable, such as in pieces like Turned On which can be viewed at www.montysingerart.com (NFSW).   Turned On features a blond white woman, the perpetual "all-American" standard for beauty and desire, seeming to fall though a Navajo rug with strategically placed, very realistic screws.  It is both detached and violent yet can be interpreted as revealing unspoken truths about the objectification of women and the commodification of culture.

Blue Rock, Red Water by Monty Singer

In Monty's pop-modern collection of work, he continues to push the envelope of what falls under heading “Native American” art. His popular series of Betty Page portraits feature Navajo rugs that might hang on the walls of wealthy art collectors along with Michigan J. Frog and even the legendary trickster coyote.   My unqualified art-school dropout self interprets it as, "Good sense tells us to turn around when a coyote crosses our path, but when there's a hot girl on that path, the inner conflict begins and opens the door for self-destructive decisions."

Blood Quantum II by Monty Singer

Don't put Monty in box, though.  He has a general dislike for labels, he explained  to Navajo Nation Fair, "I’m not too big a fan of being a part of any group, because I always fear the group will somehow try to define or shape me."  

Strip him of labels and Monty is still a damned good artist.  His portraits and classical nudes, they can be viewed at www.montysingerart.com, are lovingly and flawlessly executed.  His use a of light and shadow reflect mood with having to even see the faces of his models. He uses emphasis and subordination to reveals tightness in certain muscles leaving us voyeuristic glimpses into moments of personal strain and reflection.

His Navajo portraits, however, are beyond comparison.  His Blood Quantum series, shown above and below, featuring a black-Navajo relative, are not only beautiful, but gives us pause to consider our own inner racism and ponder the question "What does Native America really look like?"

Blood Quantum III by Monty Singer

 Bloggers note: I'd really like to thank Monty for allowing me to feature his work and sending me files so that I could share it with you all.  Please check out his website www.montysingerart.com.  And Monty, maybe you'd like to get some Giclée and poster prints for all us poor admirers of you work to buy?

How to go "Awful" Pretendian Style (NSFW)

Sadly, Felipe Rose is not a pretendian.  We just wish he was.

 Pretendian  noun
Someone who appropriates generic, stereo-typical Native American themes in an attempt to appear more exotic, earthy, ironic, rebellious and possibly even whorish, but in an easily digestible "one with nature" kind of  way.  Pretendians have no grasp on o current or past Native American issues.  They are oblivious that their actions and wardrobe are offensive, because, of course, that would require acknowledging other people have thoughts and feelings.

But we can all get in on the fun, right?

Every good Pretendian needs a fabulous headdress:

Peaches Geldorf (http://tinyurl.com/45f46d9)

 Is that a feather duster she's wearing?

Or maybe just a few feathers will do...

Etsy user dekadence

 Wow, plastic warrior, feathers from the craft aisle at Walmart, a recipe to offend every Indigenous person you meet. How ironic is that?

And for days you fear you may be mistaken for a cat toy: ( Don't worry, it happens to real Natives all the time.  It's true, more Native Americans die each year from cats attacks than spontaneous combustion and blimp accidents combined!)

www.stylecaster.com

Added bonus, headbands will hold your wig on! (watch REEL INJUN for more info)  In case you weren't born with stick straight black hair, that you know, all Indians have.

But then again, nothing says "too cool worry about offending people" like Dead Animal on the head:

Charlotte Kemp Muhl, who has some, you know, mystic aversion to bras.

Don't forget the jewelry:

Etsy user feathercreations (she likes being topless, apparently. I almost had a SFW post, too)

 Oh Gawd...

etsy user MountainGirlClothing

Lee Bogle, now in hoodie form, accompanied by Guatemalan back-strap loomed trim because, you know, all Indigenous stuff goes together.

Don't forget your leather outfit!

etsy user dleather, who isn't posing as N.A. artisan. She does custom leather work.  She also has fringed leather corsets, loin-cloths, etc, for all your role-playing needs.

No, I didn't forget the guys.

more from dleather

  Wow, I suddenly feel inadequate...

The end result should offend about everyone or you're doing it wrong!

Dancing with the stars.  Found at listicles.

Blog Goddess Note: I want to thank all of you for reading and commenting on this blog. You all Rock!  

I'm listening to what you have to say, too! See the new NSFW tags?  You did that, okay a Newspaperrock reader clued me in on that, but anyway, it's there.  I love you all too much to get you fired.

The "Awful" Field Guide to Dreamcatchers

The wolf cubs were whimpering in their sleep, so they got this lady...

 Full disclosure:  This blog goddess has a personal beef with dreamcatchers.  I went one of those day-camps for poor kids back-in-the-day.  The dreamcatcher was a favorite in their laundry list of cheap crafts they forced kids to make.  I blocked out most of it.

Despite my animosity, the dreamcatcher is the symbol of Pan-Indian identity and various New-Age groups seeking that extra special spiritual connection they can only get by imitation spiderwebs made in China.  

Anyway,  here it is: 

The "Awful" Field guide to Dreamcatchers

The Ren-fest

found on www.wetacollectors.com/forum

The Mystical Unicorn

Found on Ebay UK

The Oklahoma Truck Stop

found on ebay

I thought the idea of a dreamcatcher was to prevent nightmares.

The WTF?

found on etsy user id "grandmaspider"

The Neo-Pagan

Also found on etsy userid "FeatheredDreams1"

Is anyone else thinking about a goddess and her bra?

The Cat Toy

etsy userid "BarelyDavidson"

The Alien Hand

found at American Greetings, WTF?

Reminds me of the War of the Worlds TV Series.

The "It's looking at me"

An Etsy find, for more entertainment,you should read the listing. The artist says,"I've been lucky enough to have one hanging about the back yard the past week or so. He talks to me as I'm falling
asleep at night."  O.M.G. That thing is going to talk to me?! Yikes!

The Bird-Eater

etsy userid "lepetitreve"

Oh look, its a "whim-sicle", sort of like a pop-sicle, but makes louder sucking noises.

The Corsage

Etsty user id "HandmadeByBarb"

Can't you just picture this on the cardigan sweater of someone you don't want to be around or on the door of someplace you don't want to go?

The Sorority Girl

Ah, from our friend, FeatheredDreams1, again.

This is the Alpha Xi Delta version.  The Delta Zeta version comes with turtles.  The Tri-Delt one comes with trojans.

And Finally,

The Human

Don't try hanging this above your bed.

The Valentine's Edition (NSFW)

Yuck, it's Valentine's Day. Did you forget to buy your snag a gift?  

Make him or her some "Authentic Native American Lingerie".
1.  Go to the remnant bin at your local fabric store, look for scraps of ultra-suede.  For an even more authentic look, use an old leather jacket or pants purchased at the goodwill.  If you go that route, use a thimble! (I learned that the hard way!)
2. Use your snag's underpants as a pattern (you know you kept a pair, don't lie) or follow this tutorial.  The tutorial is for a t-shirt bikini, so if you can't find ultra-suede you can sacrifice your old demockratees.
3.  Use your scraps to make fringe.  If you are feeling lazy, go to Walmart and buy a yard of it. (Pick up your snag a box of chocolates while you're there!)


Need something for that special guy?
Here's a video outlining the steps on how the make a cock-bag!  Yes, an authentic, Native American, cock-bag! COCK-BAG! Prepare yourself for a mostly-naked white guy talking to the camera.  Oh lawd, I've seen too much! Can't unsee! Can't unsee!

Yes, he did just say his Chief gave him his loin cloth before he passed away.  Ain't that sweet?  His
Chief passed his sacred, magic, under-pants down to him. Awwww...

Really in a jam?  You know you've got duct tape!

All that is required for this is a roll of duct tape and some straws (steal those from quik-trip)!
Then, later you can use the left-over duct for role-playing games.  Just remember, safe words don't work if you've taped your partner's mouth shut!

Anyway, I hope ya'll are able to get your mystical  booty on this Valentine's Day.

Here's some artistic inspiration:

Look honey, I brought you the sun!

Let's walk through the woods and pick up all the wild animals we see! 

Nothing like a shag after opening for Bon Jovi...

Wanna "taste the rainbow"?

What is this? Some kind of Indian Tantra? I think you're doing it wrong.